Where are all the men?!!

This is not something I am normally wont to ask. I am, of course, referring to Big Brother. It is a house full of women!

There is also something else amiss with this series…has anyone else noticed it? Davina is not pregnant. Is this some new kind of plot twist?

Now, I would love to be 'cool' enough to not care and not bother watching to see who everyone is. I am not even going to pretend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who feels the need to sit in and watch every show, or ring the helpline when it is all over, but I do like to watch that first episode so that I know who all the contestants are when everyone is talking about them in the office!

I, like the true dweeb I am, made notes as I watched them all entering the house. My intention was to write a blog that night, so that I could be one of the first BB blogs. Saying that, my general verbosity would have probably killed that idea anyway. And then my need to sleep before work the next day also superseded it all. So, here I am, 2 days later, when everybody already knows what's going on, finally getting around to it (and this blog, in turn, has superseded the next general rantiness blog I had planned).

My plan was to offer a 'quick guide' style précis of each of the contestants, giving my first impressions etc. These will all likely be disproved anyway, as you can never tell how it will all play out.

At this early stage I am loving Laura and Carole; I am undecided on Nicky, Tracey (she is either going to be totally brill or incredibly annoying) and Lesley; and I am fairly sure I am going to hate Charley, Shabnam and those god awful twins. Hating people is a good thing, in my opinion, Big Brother-wise. The British public always make the mistake of voting out the annoying ones when, actually, those are the people that make it worth watching. There are two further contestants – Posh-alike and Geldof (Peaches)-alike (or so she says…why on earth would anyone want to emulate either of these people?! Is this what role models for young women have come to?), but they don't really seem to be very noteworthy.

So, without further ado:

The Big Brother house

(You will all, of course, know most of this by now, so I shall keep this bit brief)

It looks small! Smaller = more confined = more conflict? There is also a general ridiculousness going on whereby the kitchen appliances are scattered around the place. The cooker is in the bedroom, the fridge-freezer is in the garden, the kitchen sink is by the bath (which is in the living room) etc. etc. Yes, this will be annoying, but just seems rather silly…is this the best they could come up with? I suppose the other notable thing is the sleeping arrangements; there is one single bed (cleverly bagged by Lesley, saying that she had been promised it by Big Brother…no-one thought to question this), but otherwise everyone is going to have to share. One of the beds is big enough to sleep about six people, with one long pillow that everyone is going to have to share (that would annoy me so much…I like to scrunch my pillows up to funny angles, flip them over to get to the cold side etc.!). My only other comment on the house, for now, is sadly a rather grown up one :o( I really like the green tiles in the shower; I wonder where they got them from? That, of course, is by the by. Ok, so onto the contestants (in the order they entered the house):

1 and 2 – Sam and Amanda

Giggling, blonde, identikit 18 year old twins…wearing matching outfits and speaking in unison. Key quotes from them on launch night include:

"If there's only one fit boy in the house, we'll share him."

Oh dear, just what the pervy old men want to see and be thinking about. They, despite their seeming lack of any depth whatsoever, were obviously very aware of this as they bounced into the house in very short skirts each licking a lollipop. And I'm sure there will be antics aplenty in terms of pretending one is the other etc. They are indistinguishable as they behave as if they are one person, never mind looking alike. It was all arm waving, screeching "It's pink!" and so on. And jumping on items of furniture like they are small children…18 year olds just don't behave like that. They rate themselves "Ten out of ten for attractiveness" also apparently.

3 – Lesley

The next person to enter seemingly couldn't provide more of a contrast. Lesley, aged 60, looks like (and appears as restrained as) a headmistress or a female MP. According to Davina she is also 'mates' with Charles and Camilla. She said some semi-witty things, but these were simply on a different plane to most of the other housemates. She claims not to like music…full stop. Does this woman have a soul? I thought she was a likely lezzie Lesley, however the papers say she is married and has several adult children (not as in that fetish where grown men wear nappies and such, just that she has offspring that are themselves now above legal voting age)…but then I don't suppose that precludes anything and it's just me making assumptions about peoples roles etc. etc. Yawn. The key quote from her 'VT' was:

"I think there's a very strong possibility that I will win."

Hmmm…doubtful methinks. She seemed to be in such shock from the whole experience to date that she was super keen to get into the champers that had been provided…looked like she was necking the stuff! Even on the first night it already looked like she was getting a bit side-lined by all the giggling young girls…however she also seemed to be making a point of hanging back and appraising. I am bemused about why someone like Lesley would want to go into the Big Brother house and, in fairness, it would seem she is too! Very much an anomaly in this house.

4 – Charley

Charley, 24 (and played by Neneh Cherry), was booed as she entered the house…never a good sign, but it might mean she becomes a classic Big Brother 'love to hate' character. It certainly looks like she will slip into the role (or one of them, given it is a house full of women) of 'house bitch' without too much of a problem. She describes herself as a "South-East London 'it' girl" (or was that Davina describing her as that…I forget) and says such fan-winning things as "I love money". She is clearly a wannabe 'WAG', as she was mentioning going out with footballers and her cousin (Kieran someone? Football really means nothing to me) playing for Man U. The only positive I have to comment upon for Charley is that she says she has a phobia of "skinny people". Saying this, it wasn't long before she was commenting on how she is a size zero (my arse!) and hates it…yawn! She was already telling housemate number six she loved her as she stepped over the threshold…yeah, that's genuine and sincere! Basically she is an unemployed blagger living the high life whilst contributing nothing…and she used to work as a lap-dancer.

(Phew! Cash-in ad break long enough for me to get a tarb smerked.)

5 – Tracey

A 36 year old cleaner ("Cleaning – I'm good at it"), with pink hair, who has collected carrier bags since she was six and also does a good line in blown light bulbs. We present to you a true British eccentric…or simply a drug-fucked nutter! In true BB spirit…"You decide"! My first impression of Tracey was that at some point in the past she must have been a man. Watching her further I am not sure…she claims not to wear any make-up (again this is me stereotyping, but surely a MTF would do this in an effort to appear feminine?)…she is definitely rather masculine either way. Her catchphrase, and indeed her first words as she stepped through that door, seems to be "Have it!" (with a notable pronunciation of the aitch – not haitch all you people out there who annoy me by pronouncing it wrong. And on a similar note, it's nuclear...if it was pronounced 'nucular' surely it would be spelt like that?). She also overuses variations on the word 'buzzing', example, "I'm a buzzing person". What does that even mean, really? It's all about 'buzzing her tits off in a field' and threatening to leave naked when (not if!) she gets evicted. Saying this, she may turn out to be alright…I'm undecided on this one so far. But, for now, for a final strike against her, we also have the fact that she describes herself as "In your face"…oh dear! The celebrity she thinks she is most like is Julie Walters…I need this one explaining to me!

6 – Chanelle

Chanelle, 19, wants to be famous and rich (nothing new there then)…or a speech therapist in Spain. Interesting…well, not really, when you look at the rest of the evidence. To her credit she has a Yorkshire accent and grade seven violin. This is all I have found so far…she is something of a nonentity. She models herself on Victoria Beckham (and even admits that she is doing this on purpose!)…even down to the pouts for the cameras. Chanelle has met VB once, who apparently told her she was beautiful…nowt like a bit of narcissism. This really is all I have to say about her…she wasn't even memorable enough to note down a 'key quote'.

7 – Shabnam (or Shabs, as she gets called)

Now, Shabs seemed alright from the video of her talking etc. before she entered the house. She spoke about things such as her love of reading on the toilet and the fact that she is "passionate about eating". She tells us that people who like to eat are her friends…and she has beautiful eyes. All good. It all starts to slip when she reveals that one of her nicknames is 'Shabalicious' and, shortly after this, is the most screamiest screamer since the twins. She has also already said things like "I'm just checking out how sexy I look" (I am paraphrasing this one perhaps, as I didn't write it down…might not be exactly word for word…or it may well be!). Likely to be a backbone of the Big Brother screaming, bitching girly posse.

8 – Emily

Emily is 19, blonde and posh. She has teeth that cost £4000. She likens herself to Peaches Geldof (why would you do that…why?), but says that she is "not a rich bitch"…I think that might be a point that is up for debate. She is into a "new music that's taking over our country and it's called indie" (her words, not mine…dimwit!). She hopes to meet Pete Doherty-type boys in the house (again, what the fuck? And furthermore, unlikely…I hear smack is scarce within tham thar walls). She has clearly been practicing her pose for the paps before entering the house…it was the full-on bag-to-the-floor sideways pout shebang. She gives herself ten out of ten for intelligence…but will be voting Conservative in the next election.

(There have been false hugs and squealing galore by this point).

9 – Laura (are we nearly there yet?)

Laura is a fat girl, who is 23 and very Welsh. She seems great (hey, I never said that this was going to be an objective critique). Now, I don't mean 'fat girl' in a derogatory way…it is refreshing in the world of BB! I wondered whether she was trying to be a bit of a Beth Ditto-alike, but she proudly announced that she'd been told she looks like Peter Kay. Tee hee. Key quote in this case was something about how we'd probably perceive her as a fat bitch, but she was going to say anyway that "food makes me happy". Game on to you petal. Her ideal job would be as an embalmer and she sweeps leaves for free in her local graveyard. Laura, I think, is going to be a bit of a 'floater'. Sorry to refer to you as that, Laura! What I mean is one of those Big Brother 'inmates' that will not show allegiances with only one group within the house, but who will merrily try to chat to, and get on with, everyone. So far, she seems to have been the only one of the younger housemates to have paid any regard to trying to get to know the older members of the household. She got a great big cheer from the crowd as she went in.

10 – Nicky

Aged 27, born in Bombay and adopted by a Catholic family in the UK, Nicky says "I really love cigarettes and electro music" and "men…yeurch, gross!". She expands upon this by telling us that she would choose vodka over men and that love is for losers. Then, entirely contradicting all of this, she states that if she could sleep with any celebrity it would be Callum Best (one of the worst man-slags going!). Her party trick is doing a rendition of the Cheeky Girls (I do hope this is as a piss-take and that she hasn't spent too long practicing it) and her half brother appeared in the tv programme Skins. I am undecided so far as to whether Nicky seems ok, or whether she will just merge into the group of aforementioned screaming, bitching girlies.

(By this point the people in the house seem to be getting progressively less excited as they welcome each new arrival…too wrapped up are most of them, it would seem, in talk of make-up and how simply wonderful they are).

And finally (for now)…

11 – Carole

Carole, a 53 year old divorced bisexual, is a slightly bearded woman with a head of iron wool scraped into a top knot. I am already thinking that this is a good sign and that she should be decent to watch! She is another big lass who seems like a good sport and who garnered a massive cheer from the crowd outside the house. She regularly attends demonstrations and once dressed as a mobile 'phone when she went to see the Scissor Sisters. Apparently she also has a 'giant African land snail' as a pet. Possible the best quote of all, delivered in a strong London accent (and let's not forget by a 53 year old woman):

"I am gonna shake it summink rotten, and they will be shaken shitless".

Totally one to watch I reckon…Lesley certainly seems to think so…I wasn't sure from her reaction to Carole entering the house whether she was shocked because another older woman (who seems more fun than she is) was there, or whether it was because it was an ex-shag she never thought she'd see again…it was literally hand over mouth from her.

And that's our lot…still no men. Although apparently they will be throwing a man into the pit for them all tonight.

It's early days, but so far I'm gunning for Laura and Carole. Shabs and Charley already look like they've decided to be the best of friends…and I don't think that that is going to be a good thing. Lesley and Tracey have already been excluded/excluded themselves from the first (very loud) visit to the diary room (by all the other housemates all at once). Laura has already been subjected to people feeling it's ok to touch her breasts just because they are large…seriously, this is not ok people. And that's my lot for now.

I wonder what I'll be thinking of each of these people in even a week's time?

Oh, just one last thing…

I was over the moon with the fact that we'll no longer have to put up with Russell Brand (presenting Big Brother's Big Mouth)…but then I found out he has been replaced by Chris Moyles…guh! Clearly no improvement whatsoever :o(